Parents & Carers

Have you noticed that your child seems to have a meltdown after school? If your child acts out, or seems angry, sulks, or wants to be alone, they may be experiencing something called ‘after-school restraint collapse’. 

As adults, we know that it can take a huge amount of energy, motivation, self-control and restraint to keep ourselves at our best for other people, especially at work. This is the same for our children at school. We have all found ourselves huffing or taking a breath when a colleague has annoyed or frustrated us in some way. We may even feel the need to physically take ourselves away from the situation and go and get a hot drink, or go to the toilet, just to take a moment away and have a chance to reset ourselves, ready to go back to what we were doing. Sometimes, after a day we have found difficult, we find that all we want to do when we get home from work is to have some time to ourselves, on our own, and not talk to anyone!

Whether you are at work or at school, you are under constant pressure to ‘keep to the rules’ and behave. After your child has done that all day, they just don’t have the energy to keep up this self-restraint, and it feels like a big bubble that needs to burst. And that is what can happen. Time to regroup! Children often just need to decompress when they get home.

We can help ourselves, and our children, to learn ways to release the ‘restraint bubble’.

RE-CONNECT POSITIVELY

Greet your child with a smile and a hug instead of, “Do you have any homework?” or “I heard you got in trouble today.” Also don’t ask, “How was your day?” No one really wants to answer this question! Just show your delight at seeing your child again.

CREATE SPACE

Allow time for your child to say their thoughts - be ready to listen; but don’t talk too much except to comment on what you see as you walk home. Try not to ask questions, as even this can be too much of a demand for an overtired child. This isn’t the time for big conversations.

FEED THEM

Fill their physical need to have their energy tanks refilled first. Instead of asking ‘are you hungry?' Just say, let’s have a drink and snack; and set out food like veggie sticks, cut fruit, cheese, or nuts and a glass of milk or water. Real food gives them a boost rather than a sugar rush from a biscuit or sweets.

REDUCE THE HOUSEHOLD CLUTTER AND NOISE

Your child may be affected more than you know by what is in the space around them. Mornings can be hectic but try to leave a fairly tidy house to arrive back home to.

STAY CONNECTED THROUGHOUT THE DAY

Children need connection and may really experience a sense of loss throughout the day; more so since the pandemic. Giving a child your special hanky, keyring or a special pebble to keep in their bag at school will help create a sense of connection. A post-it note in their lunch box- even if it's just a drawing of a smiley face, or a special treat such as heart shaped sandwiches, will reassure them that they are never out of your mind.

PROVIDE DECOMPRESSION TIME

Let your child take the lead to talk about the day. You can say, "do you want to tell me about your day?" - so they know you are interested. Then, when they talk, you can gently ask about any tough moments they’ve had. Every child is different, and each child will respond to different things to decompress at the end of the day. Even older children need play; and yes, it is therapy! Play helps children process. Give them time to do nothing, to rest. Some younger children like to wrestle, run around, or get in a tickle fight. Older ones might like to go for a bike ride. Try hanging upside down - yes, this can really help and is used in yoga a lot!

HAVE FUN!

You may not feel like you have the energy, but laughing and having fun together is really the best way to ease the day’s tensions.

Below are some ideas that can help if you are caring for a child showing signs of/behaviours associated with Autism (ASD). 

Parenting Strategy	Why?		Examples
Put on your 'sensory goggles'	Are they gaining any sensory need through their behaviour? This can be seeking out or avoiding; Continually touching things, refusing to wear certain clothes or eat certain foods can all be due to sensory difference. If a child goes into ‘sensory overload’ they may melt or shut down completely.		Having a good understanding of their needs enables you to meet that need and reduce the presenting behaviours. If your child is doing something to meet a sensory need and it is not appropriate, you can teach them alternatives to meet that need in a more appropriate way.
Managing anxiety	Both yours and your child's.		Good tools for looking at this are: The 5-point Scale and Anxiety Curve Poster which can be widely purchased online.
Keep a routine	Pupils who show ASD / similar behaviours  like to know what is happening next and having structure to the day helps reduce anxiety.		Get them involved in setting the routine if possible.
Keep a record of incidents and behaviours	You can start to unpick specific triggers.		Behaviour diary.
Give one instruction at a time	To avoid over complicating.		Break instructions down into doable steps. Use few words and be very specific. Use the child’s name at the beginning so they know you are talking to them!
Allow extra processing time	Processing time may be slower and some children struggle with their working memory.		Give it time for your child to respond to an instruction before talking again.
Check for understanding	Problems with understanding language may not always be apparent. This could be taking things literally or rigid thinking. For example, some children struggle with homework – because they have difficulty transferring the task from school to home.		Avoid using idioms and sarcasm and be patient when checking for understanding using simple language.
Use visuals	Support memory and maintaining a routine.		Such as visual timetables, routine cards, emotion cards and timers, to back up verbal instructions.
Social stories	For explaining new experiences and situations. The aim is to help understanding of social rules.		You can find lots online to download, but you can also write your own social story with the young person’s involvement.
Give clear choices	But not too many!		Do you want your blue coat or your brown one?
Talk about emotions and feelings	You can do this through talking about how you feel about things too – it is good for them to know that everyone has feelings.		You can use resources such as mood cards or Zones of Regulation to support this.
Parental self-care	Research tells us that parenting children with autism is more stressful than parenting children with other disabilities. This is because it is a ‘hidden’ disability and often parents will receive judgemental looks from others. Other reasons include; sometimes struggling to get support and advice.		It is really important that parents look after themselves. Whilst this is difficult, our own wellbeing will make a huge difference to the way we manage our children’s behaviour.

 

Reinforce that love doesn’t need to be earned or deserved – it’s always there!

If you notice a change in your child's behaviour, this can be very worrying. Changes might include challenging behaviour, being withdrawn from their surroundings, unhappy or isolating themselves from those around them.  

Some behaviour concerns and resources are listed below.

My child seems unhappy:

If you feel your child seems sad, anxious, or has become withdrawn and quiet, then talk to them and see if you can find out why. Some children will find this easier than others, and may open up and explain as best they can how they are feeling and why. Others may struggle to do this, and it may take some time and persistence to encourage them to express themselves. 

Some children find having a quiet conversation where they are the focus to be quite daunting, and this may stop them from wanting to talk. In that case, having a more casual conversation while you are doing a quiet activity together might help as they may feel more relaxed. 

Asking more general questions about their day, and their best and worst bits might also be a way to help them open up, and give an indication of where the problem might be coming from.

Reading books that encourage them to share their worries can also help.  

Once you have found out what is troubling them you can discuss with them ways in which you may be able to support them.   

 

My child has high levels of anxiety:

Nearly one in five young people will experience high levels of anxiety. There are many things that may trigger anxiety such as:  

• School transitions from one school to another 
• Bereavement 
• School demands and pressures 
• Peers or friendships groups 
• Worrying about, or caring for, a loved one  
• Bullying, or fear of being bullied 

There are some useful toolkits available to help support your child, and to help parents/carers too, such as the ones below from South Glos Council: 

• For Children and Young People: Click here
• For Parents/Carers: Click here

ORGANISATIONS:

• Off the Record provides mental health support to children.  
• Young Minds have information on problems at school and a crisis messenger service.   

 

My child Is showing behaviour problems:

It is common and normal for children to go through different phases of behaviour. This may happen for lots of reasons, something could be happening around them (e.g. changing circumstances), or they might be changing themselves as they grow up and experience big emotions in unfamiliar ways. 

If you feel your child’s behavioural problems have been going on for a long time, or that there is something more to what's going on, then it might help to talk to a medical professional, this will start with your GP and they can refer to a specialist if they feel this is needed. You can also talk to us here at the school. 

If you feel there might be a pattern to the behaviour, it may be of use to keep a behaviour diary. This can help identify any problem areas and also be a valuable resource for any professionals you do talk to.  

Good things to keep a note of:  

• When and timings to help see if there is a pattern 
• What happened before the behaviour change? 
• How you addressed it 
• How your child felt after, such as were they sorry, withdrawn or overwhelmed  

If you have a plan in place to help support your child, make sure you share this with anyone else who is looking after your child. If they know the best strategies for helping to keep your child regulated and calm, or dealing with challenging behaviour, they can help provide a consistent approach. 

Talk to the school and your child's class teachers and see if they have noticed any changes too. It might be that something at school is upsetting them, and this is the reason they are displaying their behaviour at home where they feel safe. 

The Bristol City Council Website has lots of information about local support and other useful links.

Losing someone important to you is one of the hardest things to experience in life. If you're young, bereavement can be even more difficult. But support and advice are available to help your child/ren get through it.

If someone close to you dies, it can be incredibly hard. Your world may feel as though it has crashed down around you.

It can make you feel very alone, especially as a young person, because you might find that none of your friends have gone through anything similar and won't understand or know what to say.

Emotions after a bereavement

Grieving is a natural part of recovering from a bereavement, and everyone's experience of grief is different. There are no rules about what we should feel, and for how long.

But many people find they feel a mixture of the following:

• sadness
• shock, particularly if the death was unexpected
• relief, if the death followed a long period of illness
• guilt and regret
• anger
• anxiety
• despair and helplessness
• depression

These feelings may be very intense, particularly in the early days and weeks. Time eventually helps these intense emotions subside, and there's no need to feel guilty about starting to feel better. It doesn't mean you're not respecting the person's memory or forgetting about them.

Family members may all react differently to a bereavement. It may be difficult for your child to see their parents or other adults grieving and not knowing what to say to them. 

(Source: Bereavement - NHS (www.nhs.uk) - the NHS website also has links to support agencies and practical advice on how to cope)

There are lots of ways to access help and support during this difficult time.

Places that can help

Name + link (click the name to visit the website)	Contact Information	About
Child Bereavement UK	call 0800 028 8840 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, or email helpline@childbereavementuk.org	Child Bereavement UK helps families to rebuild their lives when a child grieves or when a child dies. We support children and young people (up to the age of 25) when someone important to them has died or is not expected to live, and parents and the wider family when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying.
Cruse Bereavement Care	call 0808 808 1677 Monday and Friday, 9.30am to 5pm; Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday 9.30am to 8pm; Saturday and Sunday 10am to 2pm	We offer support through our website, national helpline, live chat, group, zoom, telephone or one-to-one in person support. We want to make sure everyone grieving gets the help they need in a way that works for them.  We have a specially trained dedicated team of 4,000 bereavement volunteers.
Grief Encounter	call 0808 802 0111 Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm, or email contact@griefencounter.org.uk	We work closely with individuals, families, schools and professionals to offer a way through the anxiety, fear and isolation so often caused by grief. Our services include: One-to-one counselling Group workshops Music, art and drama therapy Residentials and Family Fun Days A National, free and confidential helpline called grieftalk offering web chat service too Bespoke support for schools, universities and colleges A dedicated Trauma Team for support following a sudden or traumatic bereavement. Accredited training courses and webinars for professionals Award-winning resources including our unique Grief Relief Kit, Grief Encounter Workbook and Journal We are an open-access charity, funded by the generosity of our supporters, and here to help alleviate the pain and confusion caused by the death of a parent or sibling. Bereavement is devastating at any age, but for a child it is life-changing. Get in touch with us if you need support.
Hope Again	call 0808 808 1677 Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5pm, or email hopeagain@cruse.org.uk	Hope Again is the youth website of Cruse Bereavement Support. It has been created for young people, by young people. We offer support, advice and a type of signposting service, solely online to children and young people who have lost a loved one/s. We want to break the isolation that grief brings, by providing a space for young people to explore their grief and feel less alone.
Winston's Wish	call 0808 802 0021 Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm, or email ask@winstonswish.org	Winston’s Wish provides emotional and practical bereavement support to children, young people and those who care for them. Our expert teams offer one off and ongoing bereavement support and we also provide online resources, specialist publications and training for professionals.

You can also find out more about children and bereavement from the Childhood Bereavement Network

Oasis Academy Connaught is a trauma informed school.

This means we are able to understand and work with children who have experienced trauma that impacts on their emotional and mental wellbeing, and help them to understand how they are feeling, and how this effects their behaviour. We aim to create a safe and nurturing environment where children feel free to express themselves, and have the opportunity to open up to trusted adults. We work with children to help them to manage their emotions, and to promote connection and empathy.

Please, when you are ready, talk to us.

We are here to help support you all through this difficult time, and we are so sorry for your loss. 

I think my child may be being bullied 

If you think your child is being bullied, talk to them and find out more. 

Make sure they know that it is not their fault and that they are not alone. 

If your child is being bullied by someone from school, you may wish to meet with your child’s teacher or a member of the senior leadership team. You can also talk to Faye Morgan, the designated safeguarding lead for the school: mrmenroom@oasisconnaught.org

Be available for your child to talk to you about their worries and make sure they know where they can go to for support.  This could be yourself or a teacher they trust. 

ORGANISATIONS:

• Childline website
• NSPCC website
• Anti-bullying Alliance Website 

 

Cyberbullying  

Many children now have access to the internet and social media. Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that takes place online.  Please refer to the online safety tab above for more information. 

Recognising the signs of cyberbullying can be difficult and you may be unable to monitor your child’s use of the internet or their mobile phone.  

Ways to help stay informed and notice signs of cyberbullying:

• Getting to know more about the technology and social media they use.
• Understanding the risks and taking an interest in how they are interacting with others. 
• Discussing with your child how to keep themselves safe online.

ORGANISATIONS:

• Internet Matters
• NSPCC website 
• Bullying UK website

When parents are no longer together, an agreement on the arrangements for seeing their children needs to be made. This includes which parent the child will live with, and how often the other parent will see the child. 

Contact arrangements

Contact between a parent and child can be ‘direct’ or face-to-face contact, or ‘indirect’, such as telephone conversations or gifts. Contact can also be supervised by a named person or in a ‘contact centre’: a safe environment where children of separated families can spend time with their parents.

You can choose how to make arrangements for looking after your children if you separate from your partner. You and your ex-partner can usually avoid going to court hearings if you agree on:

• Where the children will live
• How much time they will spend with each parent
• How you will financially support your children

Getting information and advice

GOV.UK has information about making child arrangements if you divorce or separate from your partner, including what to do if you are not able to come to an agreement. This includes applying for a court order, or enforcing an existing order that is not being complied with.

Citizen’s Advice has information on making contact arrangements for your children, including agreeing where children will live, and how you will keep in touch with them and your former partner.

The separation or divorce of parents can be difficult for all those involved, including children. The NSPCC website has information to help you find out your rights around child contact, and get advice for supporting children.

You can also contact The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) via telephone 0300 456 4000 between Mon – Fri 9am – 5pm, or visit the CAFCASS website.

The Child Law Advice line provides free legal advice via telephone 0300 330 5480. You can visit the Child Law Advice line website for more information.

If you have not seen your children for a long time, the Family Lives website contains advice for renewing contact. Their website also contains lots of other advice about shared parenting, such as advice if you and your previous partner have different routines or parenting styles.

Further Information

• Gingerbread; a national charity supporting single parent families to live secure, happy and fulfilling lives. They have an article about contact issues, and you can find out more by visiting their website.
• Access and Response Team (ART). The ART team can help if you think you may need additional support, or you need to speak to someone about an issue or concern you are having with your child or family. The ART handle calls from the public, and will gather information about any concerns before assessing each case and determining the next appropriate steps.

You can contact the ART team on the following numbers:

• 01454 866000 ‐ Monday to Thursday 9am ‐ 5pm
• 01454 866000 ‐ Friday 9am ‐ 4.30pm

If you are concerned about the safety of a child, call the following numbers:

• 01454 866000 ‐ Monday to Thursday 9am ‐ 5pm
• 01454 866000 ‐ Friday 9am ‐ 4.30pm
• 01454 615165 ‐ Out of hours and at weekends

In an emergency always ring 999.

For children finding it difficult to come to school, here are some points to think about

OAC Emotionally Based School Avoidance (ESBA)

Please visit our Online Safety Page.

Support and help from local groups in Bristol

A vital form of support for parents and carers of children with SEND are support groups. Here you will get to talk with other parents in a similar situation to you, and share experiences and concerns openly, without judgement. You can also share ideas and learn strategies together. You can make new friends, socialise and share information.

Going to a group for the first time can feel daunting, however, you could take a friend with you or speak to the organiser of the group and ask them how they can support you to attend. 

The Bristol City Council Website has lots of information and links to support you can access.

Support and help available from national organisations   

There are many national organisations that give information and support to parents of children with Special Educational Needs or Disabilities (SEND). 

Some of the national organisations will also have local branches or groups and will advertise these on their website.

• Contact for families of disabled children provide information about parent support groups listening ear service to offer emotional support. 
• Scope runs an online community for disabled people, parents and carers to get disability advice and information.
• Mencap run a family hub to support those caring for someone with a learning disability 
• Mind - mental health charity.
• Swan- syndrome without a name – a genetic condition so rare that it is often impossible to diagnose offers support and information to families.
• Rethink Mental Illness provides a carers' information hub where carers can find help and advice to support them if they are caring for someone who has a mental health need. 
• The National Autistic Society has an online community for families who have children with autism.

These are just a few ideas and suggestions that may help if you are supporting a child who is having a tricky time.

Parenting strategy	Why?	Examples
Pause button Safe space to de-escalate	To manage your own feelings and emotions. Space to decide on approach.	Pause button, having time to calm down, not reacting in the moment. Safe space – to go to, to be alone.
Reward charts, family rules, consequences	To know expectations To agree rules together To know and follow through rewards and consequences	To work through as a family.
Good structure / routine and clear choice of two options	So the child knows expectations. Uncomplicated decisions.	You can choose between A or B.
Behaviour diary	To record behaviour incidents: When they happened What happened How the situation was calmed What worked/didn’t work Help to identity patterns and trends – e.g. behaviour worse when child bored, hungry tired etc. Useful information if GP referral or paediatrician consultation follows.	To use when thinking about: Sleep patterns Behaviours: triggers, time of day, how child reacted, how parents reacted, What helped the situation to be resolved How long did it take to resolve or settled Record positives and negatives – as it is the negatives we tend to remember more frequently
Notice and name emotions your own and the child’s Validate emotions	Notice and name the feeling/emotion and then using a different activity to distract them can de-escalate a situation. Those emotions/feelings can then be spoken about/addressed later if needed.	Using words like “I’ve noticed” with children can be helpful. For example:  “I’ve noticed you look a bit sad/cross/angry/worried, why don’t we ….. sit and read a book together, finish the puzzle, go and get some fresh air etc."
Negotiating	Learning that maybe the best deal is to wait to get more! Older children involve them in decisions.	"If I let you play on your iPad before xxx then you will only have 10 minutes but if you wait and play on it afterwards you can have 30 mins." "If you want a biscuit before tea then you are only allowed one, however, if you wait until after tea then I will let you have two."
Distraction techniques	To distract from poor behaviour – change focus of activity. This can help diffuse situations quickly and children often forget what they are angry about!	It’s very difficult to be angry when you are laughing or running, or chasing each other, doing favourite activity
Try not to say “NO”	Try to say YES with a caveat.	“Yes, you can play on your iPad after we have done xxx." “Yes, you can have a biscuit after your tea."
Child’s own worry box, worry bear, private notebook	Maybe easier than speaking for the child. Reducing anxiety in children; provides comfort	Decide to look quietly at these worries together. Open conversation.
It’s ok to be cross with the behaviour and NOT the child	Recognising that the action is wrong	“Hitting Mummy was an unkind thing to do. Mummy didn’t like that behaviour”.  Rather than: "You’re a naughty boy."
Counteract any negative thoughts and words	Promote self-esteem, sense of well being	Child says: "I wish I wasn’t made" – counteract that with... "Well, Mummy is very pleased that you were made because…."
Friendship bracelets	Supporting the anxious child	E.g.: Make friendship bands (A nice activity to do together).  When worried or anxious a child can touch their bracelet and know parent/carer is thinking of them.
Remove stresses or expectations around home learning	Pick the battle not the war!	If in the mood for learning, then try to do something but if not then it’s not worth the battle.  Learning will happen when you are reading to them, talking to them and doing other activities.
Try to factor 1:1 time into the family routine	To build positive relationships, strengthen relationships, build trust	Encourage the child to have some input into this time
Who can help out?	Elicit the  support of other family members/close friends  who have a good relationship	i.e. Grandparents. Can they set aside some 1:1 time?
Me time!	Look after yourself	Make sure you take care of yourselves as parents and have time for you – be that a bubble bath, a walk, having a quiet moment in the garden etc.

Reinforce that love doesn’t need to be earned or deserved - it’s always there!

School Support

At Connaught we have two mental health leads, Faye Morgan and Abby Preen, and Katie Gannaway (Education Mental Health Practitioner) comes to the school every week and is available to help and support families.

Things to help at home

Please see the links below to access some ideas of books, apps and activities you could do at home to support your child’s wellbeing.

• 30 children’s books to support mental health and wellbeing
• Apps for promoting wellbeing
• Activities you can do with your child at home
• Tips for talking - Anna Freud

Quick links

• Place2be https://www.place2be.org.uk/
• Young Minds https://youngminds.org.uk/
• Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/
• Childline https://www.childline.org.uk/
• Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families https://www.annafreud.org/

If you have any concerns about a child, please visit our Safeguarding support page for parents.

This page lists links and support for issues around: internet safety, mental health advice and support, help for carers, domestic violence, homelessness, support for those affected by alcohol, FGM, forced marriage, pregnancy, anti-radicalisation and extremism and anti-trafficking.

We are all different and our sleep patterns will be different too. This is the same for children, especially as they grow and change and even more so as they go through puberty.

If you and your child are struggling with bedtime, try to remember these key points: 

• CALM - Children pick up on the anxiety and frustration of those around them, so try to remain calm as bedtime approaches.
• ROUTINE - A consistent bedtime routine is extremely important to support your child in relaxing. This will take some thought and forward planning to make a routine that best suits you and your child.
• CAUSE? - Can you think of anything that might be causing the sleep issues? Is it a new thing or something your child has always struggled with? Having an idea of the cause will give you an idea of the best way to help. If you are worried, discuss this with your school nurse or your GP.
• TIME - Be patient. When children are learning a new behaviour or routine it will take time to stick. Keep going, stay consistent, and remember to keep up with any new routines or changes - it may take several weeks of effort before you start to see an improvement. 
• COMFORTABLE - Do all you can to make sure your child is comfortable in their bed, and the bedroom environment is a relaxing one.

Local support

• The School Nursing Team: School Health Nursing - CCHP | Community Children's Health Partnership 
   
• Your GP

• Organisations and websites:
  www.familylives.org.uk
  The Children’s Sleep Charity - 01302 751 416 / info@thechildrenssleepcharity.org.uk
  The Sleep Council - info@sleepcouncil.org.uk
  Story books to help with bedtime fears
  Mental Health and Growing Up Factsheet - Sleep problems in childhood and adolescence: for parents, carers and anyone who works with young people

• Sleep Toolkit for ages 0-5: Click here
• Sleep Toolkit for ages 5-13: Click here
• Sleep Toolkit for children with SEND: Click here